14 August, 2017

How to Help a Struggling Friend


Once I wrote a list of things I hated – actual hates, not dislikes or pet peeves. I wrote a few things before I saw the theme: I hate feeling powerless. I hate being in a situation where something awful is being done, but I can’t do a thing about it. I hate seeing other people hurt and damaged, and I can’t help. I hate being a viewer behind glass.

But there are times we can reach into people’s lives and hearts. I have a burden for helping those who are struggling. I don’t know how to help, what to say, or what to do. I’m awkward and I struggle too. I used to think I was powerless to help, until I realized: the smallest things can make the biggest difference. I once read of a girl who, because a stranger smiled at her, chose not to end her life. That was enough to let her know someone cared.  A sentence can change someone’s day. A thoughtful gift, or kind act, can. We have so many means in our grasp to be life changers.


Here’s a list of things I’ve found to be helpful in my experience, and I endeavour to be to others. I have much to learn. But it weighs on my heart that people are hurting, and some people don’t care, but some of us (including me) don’t know how to care. It doesn’t have to be hard or big; even the smallest thing can mean the world to someone. And God always has our back in this war. Let’s fight darkness.



Be there. This is the most important thing, and it’s simply showing up. We don’t have to have answers, or know what to do: just say, “Hey, I’m thinking of you. How are you going?” 

Show you’re there. For me, this mostly looks like sending a note by text, email, or on paper in real life. It could include phone calls, gifts, doing something for them, having them over for a meal - small tokens of love and care. 

Listen and let them grieve. We’ve got to understand their perspective, and that means listening. I have a tendency, when someone is talking about all the negative things happening, to drill positivity into them.  Count your blessings! Look on the bright side! It might be true, but it’s not what they need to hear then. These negative things are real in their life and by glossing over them, we’re not showing respect.

Ask genuine questions. Ask how they’re really feeling. Get beyond small-talk. Ask how they feel about themselves. And please, don’t be afraid to ask if they’ve thought of harming themselves or taking their life. Suicide isn’t always expected, and it’s worth the awkwardness: death isn’t something you can regret.

Pray for them and with them. Sometimes prayer is the only thing we can do, but it’s not a small thing. We’re talking about the all-powerful God here, and He has victory over darkness. We can claim His promises on behalf of our friends. And if the person is willing, praying with them is so, so powerful. Someone praying for me in my hearing is one of the most powerful things I’ve experienced.

Don’t break their confidence, but. If they share personal struggles, it shows care and respect to not repeat them to others. We’ll win their confidence and be able to support them better. But if the person’s life is at risk, we need to tell someone and get help. 

Earn the right to give advice. It’s natural for me to think solutions and strategies. There’s a problem? Let’s get to the solution already! But we have to listen and understand where the person is coming from, and remember it is their choice what they do. You can never have too much empathy. As they realize we care and understand, they’ll be more open to advice.

Don’t judge. The other person will feel more comfortable if they sense we’re not judging them. It’s easy to observe and presume things, but we can’t read minds, and understand hearts. 

I want to challenge myself this week to reach out, notice the beautiful people God has put in my life, how I can encourage and support them, and follow through with it. I want to show I’m there, and I care. We can make a difference; let’s believe it.


If you’re actively investing in someone who is struggling, look after yourself as well. Getting burnt out, or emotionally overloaded, doesn’t help us or others. Time with God, good rest, and nutrition, is still a priority, and sharing confidentially with a trusted friend or mentor can help. 

And, friend, if you’re struggling, please know you are not alone. God invested His heart and soul into you, and no one can take that away. You are priceless, of infinite value. I care about you, and if you want to talk – I make no profession of being able to help, but I can listen: blog.applesofgold@gmail.com. No one needs to bear their burden alone.

Thanks for being there for me, guys. Your lovely comments have cheered my blue days, and made me believe in my purpose. I know you’ve reached out to others, and experienced struggles, so what would you add to the list? What has meant the most when you’ve been struggling? Can I count you in on the challenge?

30 comments:

  1. Lately I've been thinking about this subject a lot...I have such a hard time with speaking out because I'm insecure. Lately these months as I've been trying to speak out and be kind (which to me is the most important things in relationships), it seems no one needs my help. But that's not true...I know it's not. It is so easy to only see the negatives and not see the little sparkles of sunshine that enter your life and others' as a result of a kind word, a smile or deed.

    I went to a hospital volunteer orientation and they were showing us a profound video of people walking around hospitals (boring right?) but what made it special was the tags that hovered over people's heads. The tags spoke of what the people where going through.
    We see frowns, anger, or rudeness and we judge...we see weak people, smiling people, even laughing people and we judge. But we DON'T know...
    I was struck by that so badly because I was guilty of it.

    Oh my, Much rambling! But anyway Jessica, this was a beautiful post <3 When I ramble like that it means someone probed my heart wheels :) And your posts tend to do that to me!

    Anna | www.worldthroughherheart.blogspot.com

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    1. I know what you mean! Insecurity is the biggest thing that stops me from reaching out too. Good on you for showing kindness even when it seems no one needs it - because I'm pretty sure everyone always benefits from more love and kindness! It's true it sometimes seems unrewarded, but God sees. :)

      Oh, that would've been powerful! I had a similar reminder yesterday - I judged the lady behind the counter, and later I found out she'd had a really tough day. You're so right: we just don't know.

      Thanks, Anna. I always enjoy reading your thoughts, and keep spreading sunshine! :) You're a blessing. xx

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  2. Beautiful tips, Jessica. Thank you. <3

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    1. Thanks, Gray! :) Hoping they can be of help to someone!

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  3. This post came with such amazing timing (like they always seem to do in God's time)! I have a situation like this in my life, and I was starting to feel like I wasn't doing much good in this other person's life, no matter how I tried to help. Your post encouraged me so much to not give up and keep on showing God's love. Thanks for the great tips and encouragement! <3

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    1. Praise God! I'm so glad it encouraged you! Keep on keeping on - I'm sure God will bless your efforts, even if the effects are not seen until eternity!

      Thanks for your lovely comment, Emily. xx

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  4. Jessica, I don't know how you do it every time, but as usual your writing is flawless and so raw and inclusive. You are such a thoughtful and caring person and that is shown through your beautiful writing. This post really is unsurpassed. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! All of this advice is so great. This post seriously should be broadcasted on every radio.
    Keep writing and encouraging us all in the Lord. You are amazing.
    xx

    Sophy of SophysLighthouse.blogspot.com

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    1. Aw Sophy, you're so sweet! :') All praise to God. I'm touched and privileged to be a part of His plan to bless others! Thanks so much for your encouragement, and keep sharing your enthusiastic kindness! xx

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  5. I struggle to take the first step and start conversations, but it hurts me to see people hurting. I'm working on not hiding behind the label "introvert" and trusting in the Lord; it's hard, but I know if I shut myself away I'm limiting the good things He can do through me for others. I used to pray that the Lord would bless my family and friends; now I pray that He would also make me that blessing.

    This post was really encouraging and helpful, Jessica; thank you! <3
    Jem Jones

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    1. Wow, I relate to your comment a lot, Jem. It's challenging for me to step out too, but my heart aches for others. It's so good to hear of others stretching the introvert label, and determining to be a blessing! May God bless you in that endeavor!

      Thanks heaps for the comment and follow, Jem! :)

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  6. You are such an amazing human! I try so hard to be there for who I can but sometimes it's HARD. People don't give you words to say that you are doing a good job of being there. But seeing these tips in words is a helpful little cheat sheet. I need to work on a few of these!

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    1. And you are incredible yourself. ;) Yes, it can be a bit of a tough behind-the-scenes experience. But it's encouraging to remember God notices and gives strength for it!

      So glad this could be helpful for you, Vanessa! Keep up your good work of being there for others, and thanks for your comment! xx

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  7. Wow, amazing post Jessica. Thanks for the tips! Yeah, just smiling at someone can make their day. This post was really encouraging! Sometimes it's hard to go around all the time and be joyful, but we can try to be in the Lord :)

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    1. Amen! With God, everything's possible, right?! Thanks a lot for your comment, Sarah! As you so faithfully encourage us, let's keep shining for Him! :)

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  8. Just amazing! Thank you so much for sharing this timely post Jess!

    This just reminds me of a couple of experiences which I had on Sabbath.

    1. It was ordinances at our home church and for some reason I did not feel impressed to partake in the ordinances as per usual. So when the men and women both separated for the foot-washing segment, I took the opportunity to use the bathroom. On my way out of the bathroom I found my mother talking with an older member who had fallen away from the church. We stood talking with this man for the next 15-20 minutes. During that time he shared his heartache and burdens with us. I felt impressed to offer up a prayer with him on the spot, and there were a few tears shed. After the service, he came back to us saying, "I feel so light after the prayers, God is good!"

    2. We had lunch on the esplanade with friends and family from church (our AY ministries hosted), as the AY leader, sometimes it can get quite challenging and discouraging. But I was reminded just how much God cared by sending the right people at the right time. God is amazing!

    Sometimes we are used to help other people, other times, God sends people to help us.

    Thank you so much for sharing Jess, God bless you and keep you, and may your writings continue to be a blessing to other people who read it! :)

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    1. Hey Grace! It's always nice to hear from you. :) Praise God this could be a blessing.

      Thanks for sharing! It's always encouraging to hear other's experiences. That sounds so providential. I'm so glad you got to reach out to that man (and even pray together)! And that the afternoon was encouraging too - you have such a ministry there with AY's. God definitely is good!

      Thanks for your lovely comment. Many blessings to you!

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  9. I love this list so much! I think listening is one of my top recommended things because it's so important yet we don't always take the time to allow people to rant. There's this one girl I've began kinda mentoring and she just wants someone to listen. It's super sad I'm one of the first people who actually does something so simple for her...

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    1. Yes, I think I'd put listening at the top too. That is sad! It's crazy to think so many people are suffering from lack of something we can all give. :(

      Thanks for your comment - I'm blessed by heart to reach out to others. Keep on! xx

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  10. Aww! Amen Jess :) Sounds like what the Counselling course is teaching... and it really does work! Thanks for always being there for me friend...

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    1. I was wondering if that was obvious at all! ;) Thanks so much for your support too. So blessed to have you as a friend! xx

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  11. Listen and let them grieve. I have the same tendency to want to drill positivity. I usually hold back - because I'm too timid to speak up, not because I'm sensitive to the fact that what their going through is more real to them than I can understand. Thanks for this perspective!

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    1. You basically described me too! I'm trying to learn to be empathetic, but it takes putting myself aside..

      I hope it was helpful! Thanks for your comment, and may we both keep growing in this area! :)

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  12. I think asking genuine questions is important. I know for some of my friends, they struggle with opening up and they're less likely to open up if just the generic questions that are just asked. I think it's also important to be patient, because they may not answer for awhile, but if they trust you and you show that you're there, they will open up to you.

    xoxo Abigail Lennah | ups & downs

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    1. Yes! And that's an excellent point about being patient, Abby. It's not going to be an overnight process. Thanks for sharing; I always appreciate your comments. :)

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  13. These tips are so, so wonderful. <3 THANK YOU FOR THIS POST. It needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Especially the part about not just drilling positivity into a person -- like, yes, it's definitely what they need (to look on the bright side and count their blessings) but they have to choose happiness for themselves, it can't be forced on them. BASICALLY I WANT TO SAY THIS IS WONDERFUL POST AND YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND A BRIGHT LIGHT OF CHRIST FOR ALL THE WORLD <33333 KEEP IT UP, GIRL.

    rock on,
    abbiee

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    1. Well, thanks so much for your encouragement! Your enthusiasm never fails to make me smile. :) And that's a super important point - change has to be their decision. Thanks for your comment, girl! You're a blessing!

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  14. Thanks so much for this entire post! I often struggle with wanting to help others who are hurting, but not knowing how. I'm a a bit of a blunt person and don't mind telling people what I think they need to hear. Thanks for the reminder to just listen and let them grieve, instead of trying to drill positivity into them.

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    1. You're so welcome, Gloria. Yes! It sounds like we have that in common. :) Thanks for commenting, and I hope this could be helpful to you. We're in this together!

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  15. "Earn the right to give advice" - this one I remind myself of all the time. I used to be more INTJ - solutions-oriented, analytical, that sort of thing. But I realise there are many situations where the heart is more helpful than the head. I really love the emphasis on empathy and understanding in this post. The key to quality friendship indeed. :)

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    1. It's something I have to tell myself often too. I like how you said the heart is more helpful than the head. That's a good way of putting it. :) Yes! If it inspired just a little more empathy, this post has done its work. Thanks for reading and commenting, Jo. I appreciate it as always. :)

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When you comment:

1. My day will be brighter, my face smiling, and my heart blessed.

2. I’m likely to immediately go and explore your blog (if you have one) to find out more of your amazingness, and return the blessing.

3. I will then attempt to craft a response to you that will somehow fail to convey how much I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and kindness. I’m grateful for every word of encouragement you give, and don’t be afraid to share some constructive criticism also; there’s always more to learn. In short: thank-you! :)