13 November, 2017

Why I Don't Answer to 'Single'




I was browsing a website some time ago, and there was an article about singleness. I skimmed it, like I skimmed the articles to marrieds. It wasn’t until I read the responses in the comments section I realized the post was written to me. I am the target audience – my age, my relationship status. But I didn’t answer to it. I didn’t see a post written for singles and think ‘Oh, that’s me!! I must read that!’ It feels strange to call myself ‘single.’

Why don’t I answer to single? I’m not in a relationship, I’ve never been in a relationship, I’m already out of my teens; I should be desperate by our society’s standards. But single is an adjective not a noun. I'm single but I'm so many others things first: loved, chosen by God, complete in Him, blessed, and Australian, female, older sister, writer, musician, nut. Single is a description, but it's not who I am.

We need to stop finding our identity in our singleness. We need to stop telling ourselves we’re single, single, single, like there’s something wrong with us, like we’re incomplete, like we’re lacking. Our identity is so much more. God calls us loved, chosen, worth dying for, of inestimable value, and complete in Him. (Colossians 2:10)

It saddens me to see people make their relationship status their identity. They feel they can’t be satisfied until they’re with their ‘other half.’ They feel there’s something wrong with them, because no one has noticed them. They change themselves to get someone’s attention. They fantasize, building up expectations which only lead to disappointment. You are so much more than what a guy thinks of you. A Man has already told you what He thinks of you, and demonstrated His love by giving the ultimate sacrifice. That’s who you are. That’s where your worth comes from. You can rest securely, because it doesn’t matter what your crush thinks of you – God says you’re beautiful and loved. 

Marriage and companionship is a beautiful thing. God ordained it, and I believe it’s God’s plan for some of us, maybe all. But it’s not who we are. The verse in Colossians I referenced earlier really spoke to me: ‘Ye are complete in Him.’ If we aren’t feeling complete, could it be we’re neglecting our relationship with God? He is the only one who can complete us; give us security and fulfilment. It’s normal and God-given to desire companionship – absolutely. But we can’t be looking for our worth and value and identity in it. We will be let down, because people are wonderful, but they’re not perfect.

I was thinking about God giving marriage in the beginning, and saying it wasn’t good for man to be alone. (Genesis 2:18) We use that verse, but God said this before sin and separation; humans were in perfect harmony with Him. A spouse for Adam was the only thing lacking, because his relationship with God was there. We might not have the companionship God gave Adam, but we’ve also lost the relationship with God, and that came first. That’s most important. 

I don’t have this down. I’m not writing because I’ve made it and you haven’t. I’ve daydreamed about guys and my future, had crushes, and tried to change who I am to be noticed. Temptations are real. But what I want to emphasise is: God can give us victory over those things. It’s hard, but it’s so, so worth it. Knowing who you are in God is the most freeing thing. And, if marriage is in God’s plan, the right partner is going to be attracted to you because of who you are, not who you’re trying to be, or who you want them to make you.

I saw a quote once that said, ‘If God could find Adam a wife when he’s the only human being in the world, He can get you somebody.’ Friends, this is not our battle. Our job is to give our lives over to God, and He will orchestrate marriage if that’s in our best interest. He has already given us everything we need for satisfaction and fulfilment in ‘singlehood.’ Let’s walk in that.

Whew! That was quite intense! I hope it’s clear I share not as one who has arrived, but because I care. I’m passionate because I see people struggling in their singleness when they could be walking in the freedom of who God says they are. What do you think on this topic? Is singleness something you've struggled with? And non-singles, it’d be great to hear your perspective too! Is there something I’ve missed? Most of all, friends, stay strong. You’re complete in Him. xx

36 comments:

  1. Yes Jessica. Yes yes yes I couldn't agree with you anymore. I actually made a YouTube video about a few weeks ago. This state of singleness tends to be a big problem for so many Christians especially young Christians. Marriage or relationships are seen as a prize or crown people need or must necessarily have which is really not the case. Our only prize is Jesus and that is who we should seek first. Every other thing will be added into us. But being single should not stop us from serving God and living our our lives according to His purpose. Our identity lies in Christ alone đź’–Thanks for spreading this message. Very encouraging.

    Joanny
    imachoccakeaholic.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks, Joanny, and all praise to God! I didn't know you are a YouTuber! I'll have to check the video out - thanks for letting me know. :)

      Amen to everything you said! I like how you alluded to Matthew 6:33 too. That's a great verse for this topic. Thanks for your encouragement, friend! Stay strong!

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  2. Thanks for this Jessica. We're made complete in Christ.

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    1. You're welcome - thank Him! And that's such a powerful truth for so many different aspects of life! Thanks for your comment. :)

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  3. I don't respond to 'Single' because...well... I'm fourteen! XD

    But this is great and I love the message! <3

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    1. That sounds like a valid reason to me! ;) Thanks for your encouragement, and I'm glad you like it - perhaps it's something you can apply to a more relevant area of your life. :) xx

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  4. I agree with this whole heartedly! I rarely read anything about singleness, cause that's not who I am! Learning to be complete in Christ and grow in Him is so important!

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    1. I'm glad you're able experience freedom from that expectation, Mikayla! You're so right: Christ is most important. Thanks for your kind comment - I appreciate it! :)

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  5. Amen Jessica <3
    So many people seek validation through relationships but we are so much more than that. God created so many possibilities and joys in life and we often forego them for our own ideas.
    You are incredible for sharing this! *hugs* <3

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    1. Anna! You're so sweet. :) Thanks for your comment! I like how you brought up validation too - I'm sure that's a big part of it. And yes! God's plans are going to be so much better than anything we try to orchestrate. Sending hugs back!

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  6. I think every young adult should read this. There is so much pressure to be in a relationship. Single, is never who you are. It doesn't define you. You have eyes, but it doesn't mean you are eyes. Sorry, that sounds really weird, but I think you get what I'm saying. Thank you for this post. <3

    ~ Ella Marie

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    1. I'm honoured you think so! Praise God. :) And yes - the pressure annoys me so much, to be honest. Why is everything 'romanticized'?!

      Precisely! I get what you're saying, and that's a good illustration because no on is going to believe they are eyes, but yet we fall for another descriptive word! Thank you for your thoughtful comment!

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  7. This is so true and also very good to think on. I read a book written by two sisters (the Botkin sisters, I think?) and they said they called themselves 'unmarried' because they weren't single. They weren't alone. a) they had their family, and b) Jesus. They had Jesus. They didn't need anyone else. It was really cool actually.

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    1. That's so true, and a good way to put it! It seems strange to call myself single, and this explains why. Was that in 'It's Not that Complicated'? I read that book of theirs, and thought it was the best book I've read on the subject - obviously I forgot about this part though! Thanks for the insight, Jane! I appreciate your comment. :)

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  8. I really love this! Being single is something I have been struggling with a LOT lately, but I think you're right that the first thing should be our relationship with God. Love all the Scripture in this post! This calmed me down. :)

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    1. Ah girl, I'm sorry this has been hard for you recently! It can be a struggle. I'm so glad if this could be a help to you - stay strong in the Lord! You're priceless in His sight, and so loved. xx

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  9. "I'm single but I'm so many others things first: loved, chosen by God, complete in Him, blessed, and Australian, female, older sister, writer, musician, nut. Single is a description, but it's not who I am."
    JESSICA THIS WAS SO GOOD. <3 <3 thank you for sharing! this was really moving and something i think we all need to hear.
    xx

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    1. Aw, thank you so much! All praise to God! I hope it can be a blessing to whoever reads. Thanks for your lovely comment! Keep holding onto Him, friend - that's Who defines you. xx

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  10. YES. I feel that so many people define themselves by their singleness and treat it as who they are - missing something/someone.
    They're constantly on the look-out for that 'thing' to feel them which is only Jesus.
    Thank you for posting!

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    1. Exactly! I wish they could know it didn't have to be that way. As I was saying to someone yesterday, I think if we truly understood the gospel - who Jesus is, what He did, what that makes us - it would get to the root of all our struggles. Thank you for reading and commenting! :D

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    1. Well, thank you! That means a lot. :)

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  12. A great topic to address! I always ask why people are judged by their relationship status, as if it either makes them complete or incomplete. We are only truly complete as a whole person in God.

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    1. Amen! You're right, He's the only One who can make us complete, whatever area we feel we're lacking in. Thanks for your comment, Livvy! I appreciate it. :)

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    2. Yes for sure!

      P.S. I'd appreciate it if you came over and visited my new blog belivy.blogspot.com
      Thanks!

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    3. Thanks for letting me know! :)

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  13. What a freeing way to live - single, but not obsessed with our singleness. I get that you're not denying your singleness, but that you simply aren't consumed with it. I think I've come to a similar stage; I'm no longer obsessed with posts about singleness and the word in a title no longer has the effect of a magnet on me.

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    1. That's interesting you've come to a similar point of view! It is freeing, actually. May we continue to live in the knowledge that He is always enough! Thanks for your comment, Jordy. :) xx

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  14. Oh wow, this is such a refreshing reminder. Seriously, people put so much negativity on singleness and honestly I think it can be the most beautiful thing ever, especially when someone is so focused on pursuing Christ and then someone comes to them in the midst of that. Who I am when I'm single and who I am when I'm in a relationship shouldn't really change that much...I should be the same person, the same person spiritually, and this person should be an opportunity to grow, not to suddenly say, well at least I'm out of singleness! Thanks for sharing your perspective on this!

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    1. 100% yes to everything you said! I especially like your thoughts about a future spouse coming to someone while they're focused on their relationship with God being particularly beautiful, and the fact that who we are should be consistent whether we're single or not. Thanks for adding your insight and kind encouragement. I appreciated it! xx

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  15. Whoa, so true.
    I've always wanted to be liked by everyone. To be likable. Pretty, smart, nice, Godly, the whole shebang. Except I've always known that my identity was in it, and I didn't want it to be. This was sooo encouraging! xxxx

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    1. I'm so glad it was encouraging to you, Amelia! I've definitely struggled with those things too, even knowing that wasn't where my worth came from. Keep fighting the good fight and standing strong in who God says you are! Thank you for your sweet comment too. :)

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  16. I agree, it's so sad when people feel like part of them is missing because they're single. And I know that ache is put there by God for us to seek out other people, whether they're spouses or friends or family and Him, but it still hurts and isn't necessarily something you always need to act on and be upset over. Like I'm turning 19 and I've never been in a relationship, and that's ok. I like how you said it's only a descriptor, it's not who you are.

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    1. Yes, you're right - it's still a God-given desire. We're social beings. It's encouraging to hear you're able to be okay with your relationship status. Stay strong in who God's made you to be! And thanks for your comment. :)

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  17. Amen, Jessica! This is the best thing I've ever read on being 'single'. It's of the greatest encouragement to see there are like-minded sisters out there striving to please the LORD in this area of their lives! May the LORD bless you as you seek Him! ♥
    In Christ,
    Georgie Grace
    1 Corinthians 15:10--By the grace of God alone, we are who we are!! ♥

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    1. Wow Georgie, thank you, and praise God! Likewise, it's encouraging to hear your thoughts on this topic! Thanks for your sweet comment, and may God bless you too!

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