Why I Don't Answer to 'Single'

I was browsing a website some time ago, and there was an article about singleness. I skimmed it, like I skimmed the articles to marrieds. It wasn’t until I read the responses in the comments section I realized the post was written to me. I am the target audience – my age, my relationship status. But I didn’t answer to it. I didn’t see a post written for singles and think ‘Oh, that’s me!! I must read that!’ It feels strange to call myself ‘single.’

Why don’t I answer to single? I’m not in a relationship, I’ve never been in a relationship, I’m already out of my teens; I should be desperate by our society’s standards. But single is an adjective not a noun. I'm single but I'm so many others things first: loved, chosen by God, complete in Him, blessed, and Australian, female, older sister, writer, musician, nut. Single is a description, but it's not who I am.

We need to stop finding our identity in our singleness. We need to stop telling ourselves we’re single, single, single, like there’s something wrong with us, like we’re incomplete, like we’re lacking. Our identity is so much more. God calls us loved, chosen, worth dying for, of inestimable value, and complete in Him. (Colossians 2:10)

It saddens me to see people make their relationship status their identity. They feel they can’t be satisfied until they’re with their ‘other half.’ They feel there’s something wrong with them, because no one has noticed them. They change themselves to get someone’s attention. They fantasize, building up expectations which only lead to disappointment. You are so much more than what a guy thinks of you. A Man has already told you what He thinks of you, and demonstrated His love by giving the ultimate sacrifice. That’s who you are. That’s where your worth comes from. You can rest securely, because it doesn’t matter what your crush thinks of you – God says you’re beautiful and loved. 

Marriage and companionship is a beautiful thing. God ordained it, and I believe it’s God’s plan for some of us, maybe all. But it’s not who we are. The verse in Colossians I referenced earlier really spoke to me: ‘Ye are complete in Him.’ If we aren’t feeling complete, could it be we’re neglecting our relationship with God? He is the only one who can complete us; give us security and fulfilment. It’s normal and God-given to desire companionship – absolutely. But we can’t be looking for our worth and value and identity in it. We will be let down, because people are wonderful, but they’re not perfect.

I was thinking about God giving marriage in the beginning, and saying it wasn’t good for man to be alone. (Genesis 2:18) We use that verse, but God said this before sin and separation; humans were in perfect harmony with Him. A spouse for Adam was the only thing lacking, because his relationship with God was there. We might not have the companionship God gave Adam, but we’ve also lost the relationship with God, and that came first. That’s most important. 

I don’t have this down. I’m not writing because I’ve made it and you haven’t. I’ve daydreamed about guys and my future, had crushes, and tried to change who I am to be noticed. Temptations are real. But what I want to emphasise is: God can give us victory over those things. It’s hard, but it’s so, so worth it. Knowing who you are in God is the most freeing thing. And, if marriage is in God’s plan, the right partner is going to be attracted to you because of who you are, not who you’re trying to be, or who you want them to make you.

I saw a quote once that said, ‘If God could find Adam a wife when he’s the only human being in the world, He can get you somebody.’ Friends, this is not our battle. Our job is to give our lives over to God, and He will orchestrate marriage if that’s in our best interest. He has already given us everything we need for satisfaction and fulfilment in ‘singlehood.’ Let’s walk in that.

Whew! That was quite intense! I hope it’s clear I share not as one who has arrived, but because I care. I’m passionate because I see people struggling in their singleness when they could be walking in the freedom of who God says they are. What do you think on this topic? Is singleness something you've struggled with? And non-singles, it’d be great to hear your perspective too! Is there something I’ve missed? Most of all, friends, stay strong. You’re complete in Him. xx