I am human

Tonight I’m feeling deeply human. 

I’ve grown up knowing there is a God who’s on my side, who gives me peace, joy, comfort, and all those things. I know that I’m meant to be His representative, His ambassador, and His means of sharing with others what He has to offer. I’m meant to be a light, a beam, something glowing and genuine, something people are drawn to, something that makes them want to know where does it come from, this happiness and radiance?

Sometimes I feel I might be fulfilling that ideal, in the tiniest of ways. I smile at some people in the mall, and try to give out a tract. I knock on a few doors and offer hope and health. Sometimes, I try. 

But today, I went to town. I had my music lesson, and it was alright, which is really just a nice way of saying I played the worst I had in weeks, when I’ve been practicing the most I have in years. I could’ve gotten fuel, but I decided I couldn’t be bothered. I didn’t want to deal with the possibility of other people pumping fuel too, and them laughing at me - because I’m still not sure about pumping fuel. I hope there’s enough to get where we’re going tomorrow. 

I went to a supermarket, and browsed, purposely picking the sections were there were fewer people. While I was waiting in line to pay for my stuff, I looked at the people in front of me. They looked harried and weary; doing what had to be done. 

I went to the library, and made sure no one was in the section I wanted to be in before browsing every shelf, pulling out books and wanting to take a stack home, just for comfort. Then I had to borrow them (no, not everything I wanted), and I delayed because I couldn’t find a book I wanted. I looked, and re looked, and looked again, because I didn’t want to ask, and then have them find it right where it should’ve been. I got back to the car, and just sat. Did I really have to drive home? I did, but the streets and roads were empty; so familiar, but deserted and unfriendly. I felt alone and discouraged, for no apparent reason.

I looked at myself, and I saw that I’m just the same. I’m the same as the lady in front of me at the checkout, who didn’t smile, and whose makeup didn’t cover the fact that she needed a good sleep. I’m the same as the girl with the cheery ‘how are you going’ which we all knew was a matter of routine. We’re tired.

We’re tired of living in a world where you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do as fast as you can. We’re tired of acting like we’re fine, and cool, and satisfied, when we’re not. We’re tired of being cold and hard, living in a world where we’re all strangers with so much in common. We’re tired of living in a tired world, with tired people. At least if you’re not, I am. 

I get it. I am a Christian, I have an all-powerful God behind me, but I get tired too. I forget. I forget that being called to be an ambassador for Him doesn’t make me above them. I forget that if I’m not doing those things out of genuine love and care they’re not showing Him anyway. I forget that it’s not even meant to be me, because I can’t. He can. 

I wish we’d realize we’re all human. We’re bound by invisible ties. We’re brothers and sisters, siblings, family. We all feel, we all struggle, we all get lonely. We need each other, but our hurt takes us apart, society says that’s not the way it’s done any more, leaders say you can’t because you’re different, and culture creates false idea - even if we try, we get discouraged. 

I wish the barriers could be broken, and the walls come down; instead of trying to hide who we are, and aren’t, we put off the front, and sympathized. The solution is so close: it’s in the person next to you. God didn’t make strangers. We’re sinking, because we’ve got our arms down by our sides. What if we put our arms out?

Reality check: I am a human. You are a human. They are human. I’m not perfect; you’re not perfect; they’re not perfect, and we’re all tired. We are a lot closer than we think. 

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 Seriously, thanks for wading through an episode of my thought life. And tell me, what do you think? What are you tired of? What's something you feel like ranting about?

I'll be going away soon, so I may not be able to reply to comments, but - I'll be back! And then I'll reply to all you amazing people. :) I updated my about page, so check that out too, if you like. :) Also, happy July!