30 June, 2016

I am human

Tonight I’m feeling deeply human. 

I’ve grown up knowing there is a God who’s on my side, who gives me peace, joy, comfort, and all those things. I know that I’m meant to be His representative, His ambassador, and His means of sharing with others what He has to offer. I’m meant to be a light, a beam, something glowing and genuine, something people are drawn to, something that makes them want to know where does it come from, this happiness and radiance?

Sometimes I feel I might be fulfilling that ideal, in the tiniest of ways. I smile at some people in the mall, and try to give out a tract. I knock on a few doors and offer hope and health. Sometimes, I try. 

But today, I went to town. I had my music lesson, and it was alright, which is really just a nice way of saying I played the worst I had in weeks, when I’ve been practicing the most I have in years. I could’ve gotten fuel, but I decided I couldn’t be bothered. I didn’t want to deal with the possibility of other people pumping fuel too, and them laughing at me - because I’m still not sure about pumping fuel. I hope there’s enough to get where we’re going tomorrow. 

I went to a supermarket, and browsed, purposely picking the sections were there were fewer people. While I was waiting in line to pay for my stuff, I looked at the people in front of me. They looked harried and weary; doing what had to be done. 

I went to the library, and made sure no one was in the section I wanted to be in before browsing every shelf, pulling out books and wanting to take a stack home, just for comfort. Then I had to borrow them (no, not everything I wanted), and I delayed because I couldn’t find a book I wanted. I looked, and re looked, and looked again, because I didn’t want to ask, and then have them find it right where it should’ve been. I got back to the car, and just sat. Did I really have to drive home? I did, but the streets and roads were empty; so familiar, but deserted and unfriendly. I felt alone and discouraged, for no apparent reason.

I looked at myself, and I saw that I’m just the same. I’m the same as the lady in front of me at the checkout, who didn’t smile, and whose makeup didn’t cover the fact that she needed a good sleep. I’m the same as the girl with the cheery ‘how are you going’ which we all knew was a matter of routine. We’re tired.

We’re tired of living in a world where you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do as fast as you can. We’re tired of acting like we’re fine, and cool, and satisfied, when we’re not. We’re tired of being cold and hard, living in a world where we’re all strangers with so much in common. We’re tired of living in a tired world, with tired people. At least if you’re not, I am. 

I get it. I am a Christian, I have an all-powerful God behind me, but I get tired too. I forget. I forget that being called to be an ambassador for Him doesn’t make me above them. I forget that if I’m not doing those things out of genuine love and care they’re not showing Him anyway. I forget that it’s not even meant to be me, because I can’t. He can. 

I wish we’d realize we’re all human. We’re bound by invisible ties. We’re brothers and sisters, siblings, family. We all feel, we all struggle, we all get lonely. We need each other, but our hurt takes us apart, society says that’s not the way it’s done any more, leaders say you can’t because you’re different, and culture creates false idea - even if we try, we get discouraged. 

I wish the barriers could be broken, and the walls come down; instead of trying to hide who we are, and aren’t, we put off the front, and sympathized. The solution is so close: it’s in the person next to you. God didn’t make strangers. We’re sinking, because we’ve got our arms down by our sides. What if we put our arms out?

Reality check: I am a human. You are a human. They are human. I’m not perfect; you’re not perfect; they’re not perfect, and we’re all tired. We are a lot closer than we think. 


 Seriously, thanks for wading through an episode of my thought life. And tell me, what do you think? What are you tired of? What's something you feel like ranting about?

I'll be going away soon, so I may not be able to reply to comments, but - I'll be back! And then I'll reply to all you amazing people. :) I updated my about page, so check that out too, if you like. :) Also, happy July!


  1. I do not normally rant but I will take your invitation to do so. It is sometimes difficult living in a country where I do not speak the language very well (I am a Kentuckian living in Germany). I can have very elementary conversations but nothing in-depth, and I love in-depth conversation. I have lived here for a year and I definitely can speak better than I did in the beginning (which is not hard since I spoke barely no German in the beginning).

    Ok, rant over :) now I feel a little better. Thank you for giving me the opportunity.

    1. Thank you for sharing! That would be difficult - I appreciate deep conversations too, so I can't imagine what it would be like to miss out on them. Anyway, stay positive! I'm sure it won't be long until you're more familiar with the language, and can catch up on those in-depth conversations. Thanks again for reading and commenting.

  2. Great post, Jessica! We so often try to appear perfect when we are sinners like everyone else. (though saved by grace!) And then when we are going through a rough time, we forget that others are too. Do you ever feel like you are the only person struggling with something? But when you mention it to a friend, they usually say, "I'm struggling with that too!" I wish we could be 100% open with everyone all the time...not worrying about offending someone. =P As Christians, I wish we could share all of our fears without wondering what people will think. =/ So...that's my rant, I guess. =)

    Thanks for your lovely post. I enjoyed reading it. =)
    ~Hosanna Emily

    1. Praise God. Thanks for your encouraging comment, Hosanna. :)

      Yes, I relate to your rant. You're right. I wish it was that way too - that there was more honest sharing, and openness, because we all fail, and all need someone to lean on. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. xx

  3. Preach Jessica!!! I love love love this. It's exhausting pretending to be happy, cheerful, perfect people all the time.
    Know you're not alone Jessica:)
    It's feelings like these that beg me to reach out in all humility, asking just to sit and rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father.

    1. Thanks, girl. And praise God - if there's anything good here, it's from Him. :)

      That's true - it's the pretending that wears us down. But maybe God uses these experiences to make us run to Him, like you said.. Again, thank you heaps for your understanding and leaving a comment.

  4. Great post. I think that sometimes we need to just accept that we are tired and then do nothing. I like to sit and read or even better go for a ramble, just walk randomly in the great outdoors, soaking in simple pleasures of creation.

    1. Thanks for reading, and commenting, Clare. :) Yes, that's a great way to cope with being tired (after we've accepted that fact, like you said). Maybe it's because God feel so much closer when we're out in His creation..

  5. Oh Jessica, this resonated so much <3
    I'm the same way with fuel. I just don't like any part of the process, and I nervously try to hold out as long as I can. Same thing at the supermarkets and library. But this does give me a different light on the matter. On days like that, when something kind happens to me unexpectedly, it impacts me a lot more than on a usual day. So I guess what I'm saying, is that it's all right to have blue days, but on the happy days it's important to share, because other folks can be having their bad day.
    Hm. I think that might sound a bit confusing. But I just wanted to make sure you know that this post has helped remind me to be kinder, and that we're all in this (life) together! :)

    1. Praise God! Seriously, thanks for your comment - I appreciate your point, because I hadn't thought about it that way, and that's an excellent point. I'm going to be thinking about that now. :) And yes, we are all in this together (even with avoiding pumping fuel!). xxx

  6. Haha, I laughed at the last part, where you say thanks for wading through an episode of your thought life. Honestly, this is the best post of yours in a while. Not that the others aren't good, but this one was exceptional. Maybe because I'm feeling quite human tonight...
    I love reading/hearing/getting told other people's thoughts.
    Something that bothers me/I will rant about: I hate lying with a passion. Honesty is truly always the best policy..
    Shallow relationships are not for me; I don't understand them and they drive me crazy.
    Don't worry, I also don't fully understand filling up the tank yet. I mean, I'm getting better at it because I've done it quite a bit over the last month, but I don't enjoy it, and I'm not exactly confident about it. Also, I feel the same way about money and how to deal with it. It's something I'm actually kind of ashamed about, but I've been trying to tell myself over the last couple years that it's okay. I can do other things, and other people who are talented and understand that can help me with everything I don't really get. Some days I still feel pretty dumb when I think of that, but it's getting better I think. We all have limitations, you know..
    Anyway, I think I've ranted and exposed myself enough and written quite a long comment.
    So I'll go.
    I'll see you in a week!

    1. Thanks. :) Sometimes I wonder if I can even write so that was encouraging. I just have to thank God.

      Yes, I get what you're saying there. I rank honesty and humility as two of the greatest character traits..

      I'm glad someone else gets the hurdle it is to pump fuel. :) I guess it gets better with practice (we can only hope, anyway!). Hmm.. I think I'm the same with money too. Mostly, I don't have any to deal with, so it's not too much of a problem, but I do lump it with those grown-up-things-I-wish-I-didn't-have-to-conquer. Anyway, you're right - it's alright to be not the best at everything, and you have got talent in other areas, in case you needed reassuring. :) (For instance, being a supportive friend, and blessing me with comments like this one.) Seriously, thank you. :)

    2. Thank you, Jessica, I did need that reassuring. :)
      I appreciate it.
      I might call or text you very soon.. Sorry I never replied to the one from earlier this week :|

    3. You're welcome. :) Looking forward to hearing from you!

  7. Oh wow. I love this SO SO much. I'm going to be coming back to this post because I get so tired. Tired of going through the same thing over and over again. I found myself connecting so much to your telling of avoiding people and seeing the lady at the library hiding her tiredness with makeup.

    I wish that as Christians we didn't let our hurt seperate us and that we would come closer together because we all struggle with being lonely and going through the motions and being tired.

    So thank you for this <3

    1. Praise God, and you’re very welcome. I’m glad you could relate – we’re in this together.

      Yes! It would be so freeing if we could all be open and honest about our struggles to each other. As you said, we all have them. Thanks for sharing, Lauren. I really appreciate your comment. xx

  8. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. This... this is just beautiful. I find myself getting so weary and overwhelmed day after day after day. I set high expectations for myself with writing and blogging goals, and trying to meet those day after day just... ugh. Makes me want to collapse.

    I love this so much. CAN I HUG THIS POST? Because you said what so many people are feeling and thank you for that. Opening up so people know they're not alone in this crazy messy life and feeling tired. <3

    // katie grace
    a writer's faith

    1. Wow, I’m so blessed by your kind words, Katie. And you’re definitely not alone – I struggle with achieving my expectations too; it is so tiring. But, keep on! We’re all in this life together, and He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. Again, thanks so much for reading and commenting. :) xx

  9. Wow! This was so beautifully written. I mean, it was all so poetic and insightful, but it all boils down to this:

    "I wish we’d realize we’re all human."

    That is so the truth. I don't even know how to respond to this because it resonates on so many levels....especially the parts about just going through the day, trying to smile at people in the mall, but then like hiding out and trying to avoid people at the library. I'm the same. exact. way. And I agree with Katie Grace, can I just hug this post? Because it's that good. And it needed to be said.

    Loved it.

    1. Thanks heaps for your comment. It’s amazing how human we all are – doing and feeling the same things - yet somehow, we don’t want to admit it. Or at least we don’t often like to admit it – thank you for opening up, and I’m glad you found something you related to. Blessings!

  10. Wow, your words speak to me so much! Avoiding doing simple things like pumping gas, fearing asking for help in case I look stupid, giving the routine "I'm good" answer, feeling alone as you make the familiar drive home. This post is such a good reminder that we all get tired, we all have are difficult days, no ones perfect. I'm so thankful we have such an amazing God who loves us and is willing to pick us up every day even with all our short comings. Thanks for sharing your heart with us and being honest. :)


    1. Yes, it is most comforting that God loves us no matter how tired we are – thanks for that reminder. He is amazing. And I can only praise Him that these words spoke to you.

      Thank you for sharing, Elizabeth. We’re in this together. xx

  11. Human is my favorite word. It has an unfamiliarity that shouldn't exist, but does. It gives one a thrill of excitement and maybe a little fear... We live in only bones and flesh sewn together, and as you point out: we should not forget that. We should not forget that we're all floundering and for those of us who have found the life boat, it's our duty to share the Good News.
    Beautiful post Jessica!

    1. How did you sum all that up so poetically?! Floundering is the perfect word to describe this state we so often find ourselves in – tired, lost, and ready to break down.

      And thank you for reading, and commenting, Evelyn. It means a lot. :)

  12. "I forget that being called to be an ambassador for Him doesn't make me above them."

    Wow. That was thought provoking. We are all human, and we all deal with the same things. Good, bad. Right, wrong. Boring, entertaining. Fast, slow.

    "God didn't make strangers. We are all a lot closer than we think."


  13. Wow, thank you, and praise God! I'm glad you could relate to this, and thanks heaps for reading, and commenting, and following! You definitely brought a smile to my face. :)


When you comment:

1. My day will be brighter, my face smiling, and my heart blessed.

2. I’m likely to immediately go and explore your blog (if you have one) to find out more of your amazingness, and return the blessing.

3. I will then attempt to craft a response to you that will somehow fail to convey how much I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and kindness. I’m grateful for every word of encouragement you give, and don’t be afraid to share some constructive criticism also; there’s always more to learn. In short: thank-you! :)